I will now avoid Dr. Pepper

If you watch football you know that former gap-toothed NFL sack-specialist Michael Strahan is now a Dr. Pepper enthusiast, filming a ridiculous commercial on the subject of his favorite drink. This commercial makes no sense for several reasons. First, why does he care about caterpillars now? Is this some sort of play on words, like "the big bad NFL guy loves something soft and innocent?" If so, then why would he destroy Donovan McNabb's entry-way table? Furthermore, why is he waiting outside of McNabb's house on the off chance he has a pizza delivered, just to sack him? Do these two have a history that I'm unaware of? Also, why is an NFL player ordering a pizza when he should be eating better? Also, what the hell happened to that ice cream truck?

I demand answers! It's like Dr. Pepper hired bizzaro Don Draper to put this together.

A metaphor for the Washington Redskins season?

I live in a Redskins-heavy area, and this video seems to be an appropriate metaphor..

Drum roll please..

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 6-7 division leading Seattle Seahawks!!

Pictured: Matt Hasselbeck not completing some kind of falling-down wizard pass

There Is A Special Place In Hell Reserved For Adrian Beltre

Jack Zduriencik had reason for optimism heading into the 2009-2010 Major League Baseball season. His team had come off an impressive 85-win campaign the previous season, and after having traded for Cliff Lee (in this humble blogger's opinion a top-5 pitcher) and signing Chone Figgins away from a division rival, why not be optimistic?

Yeahhh.... About that....

In life, not everything works out the way you want it to. Sometimes you go into a store only hoping to spend 10 dollars, but you end up spending 20. With the 2009-2010 Mariners, they went in only wanting to spend 10 dollars, but ended up going into such deep debt with a loan shark that they ended up floating at the bottom of the Puget Sound with two broken legs encased in concrete.

Allow me to set the mood here.

In the 2009-2010 Season, the Mariners were totally, consistently, inarguably, unabashedly (and historically!) terrible at offense. Allow me to do my best stutter impression. They placed last (30/30) in Batting Average, .236, last (30/30) in Slugging Percentage, .339, last in On Base Percentage, .298, had the fewest runs, 513, fewest hits, 1274, fewest doubles, 227, fewest triples, 16, fewest Home Runs, 101, and, surprise!, had the fewest RBI's, 485. In total, they were so bad, I couldn't even count the number of games where Felix Hernandez would come out during the 7th nursing a 1-0 lead, drape a towel over his head, and contract his entire body in anticipation of the sound of the other teams bat hitting ball. 

CRACK. *Felix Hernandez rips towel off his head, jumps up, leans over rails, and affirms that other team just scored two runs off [hapless reliever X]* .... *Felix thinks about how C.C. Sabathia is getting over 7 runs worth of run-support per game in New York*......*Felix re-drapes towel and cries*

Getting lonely, King?

And that's what makes this year, and this Cy Young award winners season, particularly frustrating.

In other areas of the game, the M's showed life.

They had a top-ten team ERA of 3.93, a 21^st ranked defense by Fielding Percentage (.982) but 10th ranked by UZR (15..8).Heck, they had 2 gold glove winning outfielders (ichiro and guti) to boot.

If they could have gotten some hitting from the get-go (only Ichiro produced this season, per usual) and justified holding onto Cliff (perhaps for a dream contract re-extension run this summer!?!?), they could have made a run at the division. Instead, we crapped the bed, and ended up trading Cliff within the division (practically gift wrapping the world series berth for the Rangers).

Wipe that smirk off your face, you never even averaged .280 for us

Which brings us to Adrian Fucking Beltre. I really hate that guy. For years he was our ace defensive third baseman, AKA the "hot corner". Before he came to us, he was also (at least for a short while) a monster offensive player. He wasn't that for us. In 5 years, his batting averages were .255, .268, .276, .266 and .265 with pedestrian slugging percentages and a passable home run rate. We let him go before the 09-10 season because we signed Chone Figgins (only moderately productive, clearly on the downside of his career) away from the Angels. Then, we found out Chone couldn't play third base so we moved him to second and slotted Jose FATpez (er, Lopez) into third base.

Boy that turned out well.

And after quietly signing with the Bahhhhstan Red Sox, check out the numbers Adrian Fucking Beltre (AFB for short) put up:

Beltre

Avg .321

Slg .553

Ops .919

102 RBI 

28 HR 

189 H 

84 R 

40 BB

Adrian Fucking Beltre. Why couldn't you have put up those offensive numbers for the half-decade you played for us?

There is a special place in hell reserved just for you.

You crushed my dreams of years of King Felix/Cliff Lee, anchored by great defense and the hitting prowesses of Dustin Ackley, a 369 (or whatever) year old Ichiro, and Franklin "Death to Flying Things" Gutierrez.

You crushed them, you bastard.

...

Thissss fuckin' guyyyy

...

Where's the leak?

Portland dropped its 6th straight game tonight to the lowly Wizards, putting the Blazers at 8-11 for the year. It's also worth mentioning that Dallas, Denver, San Antonio and Utah have all been on winning streaks while the Blazers have been in their current tail spin. I was serious when I tweeted that Portland would win 60 games this year; now it looks like I was 15-20 wins off. Add the current losing streak to division losses to...well, everyone they've played (including two losses to OKC), and it looks like the Blazers might miss the playoffs and move back down to the basketball purgatory of a late lottery pick in the NBA draft. So what's the problem, exactly? There are several popular options:

1) Injuries have left the team devastated. The traditional logic says that without Oden or Pendergraph, the team has been out-rebounded in pretty much every game this year and relying on Sean Marks to an alarming degree, and Roy has been hobbling around a lot, but I don't think that's the real issue. Roy's been back for a few games and has managed to get his points--he had 18 tonight--and the team managed to use (La)Marcus inside to get to 50 wins last year.

2) Fire Nate! Some people think that the coach has mixed around lineups so much that people, like Nic Batum, are uncomfortable in their roles on the team and their minutes on the court, and his slow-down style is crushing the young and athletic team that always seems to play better when they run. I don't buy this excuse, either. There's a reason why the defensive-minded Nate is on everyone's short list to replace coach Spo in Miami next year--he's good! All the Nate haters need to look around the league and see how few coaches are better than him. This is the guy who took an injury-ravaged team to the playoffs last year.

3) No leadership. Many fans think that teams that lose in the 4th quarter over and over again--which has been Portland's specialty this year--lack a veteran who simply won't let those collapses happen. Nope. Not buying that, either. Roy has hit lots of buzzer-beaters in the past and Miller and Camby have been around forever. Plus, LaMarcus isn't exactly a kid anymore and Joel's been in the league for a while, too. The team has veterans and does not lack leaders.

Honestly, I think it's probably a little of all three. Although the team has all the components of a winning team, years of playing the high-energy, scrappy underdogs fighting through everything likely takes a toll on everyone. Still, losing game after game in the fourth quarter, even to terrible teams, is not an accident. Something's wrong in Portland--I just wish I knew what it was.

Howie Stalwick who? Turns out there's a reason you have to ask.

OK, so, Howie Stalwick of the Kitsap Sun newspaper in Tacoma obviously doesn't have his sights set on securing a better sports writing gig anytime soon. I reached this conclusion based on the amount of wrongness about the result of the 2010 AL Cy Young race that he was able to pack into merely one paragraph of his November 22 "column." (Come to think of it, maybe this was done in order to secure himself a better gig later on, as Colin Cowherd's continued success in sports media demonstrates.)

As you may or may not know, Felix Hernandez was named the AL Cy Young winner, despite compiling a somewhat mediocre 13-12 record. This caused every 135 year old baseball fan in the country to cough himself (and let's be real here, I mean him, because they didn't let women VOTE when he was watching Christy Mathewson win 80 games per year, much less watch baseball) into a conniption. I mean, 13 wins??? Why not just go ahead and give the Cy Young Award to a DH already???

Except that this result was a testament to how far Cy Young voters have come. Unlike years past, voters decided not to punish Felix Hernandez for pitching on the worst team in the American League (Mariners finished 61-101). Instead, it appears that the voters looked to less known, yet more important, statistics in order to decide who the winner was.

And by god Howie Stalwick just won't stand for it.

"Ultra classy of David Price to say Felix deserved the award."

Way to imply that Hernandez was completely undeserving without actually saying it. Also, way to ignore the fact that if David Price had come out and said "Screw King Felix, and let's see some papers while we're at it!" would have made him the biggest dick in the world. Seriously, outside of John McEnroe or Barry Bonds, is there any athlete who HASN'T congratulated someone who beat him out for an award?

"but we still maintain that a dude who goes 19-6 pitching in a season-long pennant race in the rugged AL East deserved the award over a 13-12 guy pitching in the AL Worst."

AL WORST!! Get it? Worst instead of West! CLASSIC Stalwick!

Also, for what it's worth, "rugged" seems a fairly homo-erotically chosen word to describe a division of teams in baseball.

" Earned run average might be the most overrated stat out there"

Actually, that award goes to "wins," the stat you just cited to prove that David Price had a better season than Felix Hernandez.

Run Support in 2010

Felix Hernandez: 3.75 runs per game (worst in AL)

David Price: 7.03 runs per game (12th best in AL)

So, maybe, just maybe, the fact that David Price's offense scored him almost twice as many runs per game than Hernandez's did helped account for the fact that he won 6 more games. Or maybe I'm not as good at logic as Howie Stalwick. One of those things is probably true.

"Price’s 2.72 ERA compares favorably to Felix’s 2.27 when you consider that Felix pitches half his games in the baseball equivalent of Yellowstone National Park."

1. It's interesting that we can surmise that Safeco's slightly larger dimensions helped account for a rather large differential in ERA, but a much larger difference in run support cannot account for a difference in wins.

2. Hernandez's road ERA: 2.42. Price's? 3.46.

3. Hernandez's ERA vs. teams with winning % of .500 or above: 2.26.  David Price's? 2.67.

4. Other categories Hernandez led Price in:

§  Strikeouts

§  ERA+ (earn run average adjusted)

§  K/9

§  WHIP

§  BB/9

§  BAA

§  GB%

§  FIP (Fielder Independent ERA)

§  WPA (Win Probability Added)

§  WAR (Wins above replacement player)

§  Innumerable other important categories I'm too lazy to list.

If anyone ever tries to tell you that David Price was a better pitcher this year than Felix Hernandez, nod politely and make a mental note to forget everything they tell you, keeping in mind that this person undoubtedly believes that Derek Jeter is an incredibly "clutch" defender.

Bill Plaschke *REALLY* likes Davey Lopes

You may know Bill Plaschke and his ever-flapping jowls from his many appearances on "Around the Horn," where he and resident chalkboard eraser Woody Paige engage daily in an uncanny impression of a high-pitched dog whistle. Bill Plaschke, who, for the record, has never actually watched a sporting event in his life, has long nurtured a man-crush on Dodgers GM Ned Colletti that would make Ace and Gary from SNL blush, despite Colleti's outstandingly mediocre track record as a GM in a perpetually weak division.

However, it appears a new challenger for Plaschke's love has emerged. His name? Davey Lopes. Yes. The Davey Lopes.

See, according to Bill Plaschke, the Dodgers lack of success in 2010 wasn't due to underperforming regulars such as Manny Ramirez (eventually traded), Russell Martin, Casey Blake, or Matt Kemp, or even others that were injured, such as Rafael Furcal. It wasn't due to a bullpen, that, outside of setup man Hong-Chih Kuo, was pretty shaky.

No. The problem, you see, was a lack of grit. A lack of gravitas.

Enter Davey Lopes.

"Remember him? The tough Dodgers second baseman? The centerpiece of the legendary Dodgers infield? A celebrated coach for the Philadelphia Philliesduring their two recent trips to the World Series?"

I remember him, but not like in a "Oh Man, DAVEY FREAKIN' LOPES!" kind of way. I mean, I remember it being mentioned that he was their first base coach. I'm not sure being a first base coach ever results in someone being "celebrated." But continue.

Later Wednesday I called Ned Colletti, the Dodgers' general manager.

"Bring Davey home," I said.

"Hmmm," he said.

The jealous lover can detect something is awry.

So now the cringe is slowly leaving and the raw beginnings of distant hope are slowly returning, because I think it could happen. I'm guessing they are already talking.

For the first time in 29 years, Davey Lopes could soon be a Dodger again.

Seriously, why do I get the feeling that Plaschke required eight cold showers and four ham sandwiches to finish this article?

With the kind of bargain basement lineup they are going to throw on the field next year, maybe Lopes would not even be worth one win. But with his potential to unlock the likes ofMatt Kemp and James Loney and Andre Ethier, maybe he's worth plenty.

In other words, "Unless Davey Lopes has magical powers that make players play better, he won't be very valuable." Solid point, Bill.

He's tough like Bowa was tough, but he knows when to back off. He's smart like Schaefer was smart, but because he once played, he can relate better to younger players.

1. Obviously the Dodgers were too big of pussies to win last year. And were dumb. Big, dumb pussies.

2. Fact: many coaches and managers have had problems with players. Fact: 99.9% of those coaches and managers played baseball at the professional level.

3. Davey Lopes, in three years as a manager for the Milwaukee Brewers, managed a 144-195 record. Yeah, his teams weren't really that good. But it would seem to prove that Davey Lopes isn't Baseball Jesus either.

Lopes won a Gold Glove, but he was best known for his base stealing, with 557 stolen bases and an 83% success ratio. He took that knowledge to the Phillies, who led the major leagues in stolen base percentage during his three seasons there.

This year, the Phillies were successful on a baseball-leading 84% of their stolen base tries. The Dodgers finished 28th out of 30 teams with 65%.

Unless the Dodgers also plan on trading for high percentage base stealers such as Shane Victorino, Jimmy Rollins, and Chase Utley, I'm not really sure how Davey Lopes, aside from pinch running himself every time a Dodger batter reaches base, is going to improve this.

This also completely misses the point of what actually troubled the Dodgers this year: core players having down years at the plate or being injured, and a terrible bullpen.

Now is that time, for both Lopes and the locals who once adored him. Watching the Giants spending the winter dancing might be a little easier for Chavez Ravine folks to take knowing their backs are being covered by an old Dodger.

Last sentence = <3

I'm thankful I don't have to cheer for the Heat

Thanksgiving came and went. I'm Thankful for my basketball team once again being the scrappy underdogs who I love to cheer for, who are genuinely good people without sexual assault arrest records, who play hard every night and hang with teams who are deeper than they are. The Blazers have more what-ifs than any team in NBA history. What if Sabonis had come over in 1989? What about Jordan? Or Barkley? Or Stockton? Or hell, even Sam Perkins? What about Chris Paul, or....gulp...Durant? What if we flipped Raef's contract for Caron Butler? Any one of those go the other way and Portland has multiple titles...as in, 3-5 rings...in my lifetime. As in, we're a spoiled, entitled, obnoxious fanbase (as opposed to just an obnoxious fanbase that we are now!). In a weird way, I kind of like how things turned out.

If you're wondering what happens when teams get everything they ever wanted, take a gander at south beach. Right now the Heat are 8-7 (a worse record than Portland, for those keeping track). While I have no doubt that Miami will eventually be a dynasty given all their talent, I'm not surprised to see them struggling right now. No one knows their role yet. Pat Riley assumed that if he just threw a lot of talent on the floor it would automatically mean titles, ignoring the fact that this exact strategy at the Olympics led to Team USA getting owned by 12 fat guys from Greece who couldn't hack it in the D-League. Sometimes--in fact, most of the time--the team with the most talent loses to the best team. A full house beats three Aces when I play poker. The Heat will win titles, just not this year--and I'm glad I get to cheer for their exact opposite on the court.

Things to remember about Kobe Bryant

Now that the Lakers are on pace to win 65+ games this year and are clearly the best team in the NBA, I feel it is my duty as a Blazer fan to remind everyone of a few key realities about Kobe Bryant.

1) He is, at best, an adulterer who chose to have rough sex with a woman he had know for less than an hour in a hotel room in Colorado. The details aren't pretty.

2) He is responsible for the single most ridiculous photo shoot of all time, in which he was trying to look like Tupac for some reason.

3) Phil Jackson, a man who has spent years with Bryant, calls him an arrogant, selfish child who is difficult to work with.

4) He is a terrible teammate who only cares about himself and will gladly throw absolutely anyone under the bus as soon as things don't go well.

5) He has a history of doing poorly in big games.

Laker fans can cheer for him. I'm not asking anyone to root against their hometown team, or to betray a lifelong allegiance to Los Angeles. All I'm asking is that everyone keep these five facts in mind every time Bryant does something impressive on the court or anyone mentions giving him another MVP award. If I get the impression that people are losing this perspective, I'll be back--believe me, there are plenty of other reasons why Kobe is an asshole.

NFC West: where football goes to die

The NFC West is really, really bad. No I’m serious. The NFC West’s parents disowned it. The NFC West’s party-crazed girlfriend broke up with him for being TOO bad. The NFC West’s priest walked out of confessional time. The NFC West’s high school teachers had to collectively come up with a grade lower than F. The NFC West’s boss would fire him, except it might be perceived as discriminatory employment practices.

In sum, the NFC West is more inept than the illiterate crack-head who sleeps in a parking lot because he hasn’t figured out what bridges are for.

Through week 11 of the 2010 NFL season, here are the standings in the NFC West:

Seattle Seahawks (5-5) - Lost

St. Louis (4-6) - Lost

San Francisco (3-7) - Lost

Arizona (3-7) – I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

Does anyone know why we're wearing these uniforms and standing on this field? No? Ok, how about we go home. We can't? Well I'm stumped.

Seattle’s remaining games are: Vs. Chiefs, Panthers, Falcons, Rams and At. 49ers, Buccaneers.

Assuming wins against the lowly Panthers and 49ers, and a squeaker against the feisty Rams, and you have an 8-8 playoff team.

Hold on, I just threw up in my mouth a little…

…

…

Ok I’m back. Even the above mentioned scenario seems far-fetched, considering the inability of NFC West teams to even consistently beat each other in predictable fashion. We could potentially be seeing a 7-9 playoff team. That’s right, the way the NFL playoffs work and the quality of the NFC West could usher in a BELOW .500 playoff team.

Hold on, gag reflex kicking in again.

It’s amazing that my Seahawks can get blown out by what seems like 30 points in 3 of 4 weeks and STILL be on top of their division. It really gives a man hope. If only Charlie Whitehurst’s hair could deliver motivational speeches in the huddle.

And the hair spoke: "everything will be alright. I mean, the guy under me will probably throw a few picks, but.. what was I saying again?"

Hope Reborn: the story of the 2007 NBA Draft

In the spring of 2007 I was driving home from work when I remembered, the NBA draft lottery was starting. I tuned my car’s radio to the local sports channel to find the commissioner approaching single-digit territory. Panicking, I pulled my car over into a random parking lot, turned off the engine, and waited.

Number 9, The Chicago Bulls.

I was an ardent fan of the Portland Trailblazers since my youth. The highlight of my childhood is the time my parents managed to score courtside tickets to the home game against the Mavericks from a friend. When I sat down, I wondered why there were empty seats next to me considering how close it was to game time. Several minutes into the first quarter, my childhood idol, Blazers point guard Terry Porter, subbed out of the game and sat down next to me. Too star-struck to say anything, I absorbed as many details as I could, from his height (freakishly tall from my perspective), body odor (sweaty) to his general demeanor (locked in to the game). It was, I can remember vividly, the defining moment in my adolescent sports career. Until that spring day.

Number 8, The Charlotte Bobcats.

A year prior, my Blazers had begun their ascent back to relevance by drafting Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge in the first round of the 2006 NBA draft. Roy made the all-rookie first-team, and Aldridge seemed like a sure-thing power forward. Together, they led the team to a 32-50 record, an 11 game improvement upon the previous year and an occasion of great hope, following years of dread and despondence during the “JailBlazers” era. Ironically, the Blazers had the best statistical chance of landing the top pick in that draft, but had settled for the fourth overall selection. In spite of that, front-office guru Kevin Pritchard traded pick #4 for the second overall pick from the Bulls, drafting Aldridge.  He then traded for Boston’s #7, drafted Randy Foye (who?) and traded him to Minnesota for University of Washington senior, Brandon Roy. The franchise had a savior.

Number 7, The Minnesota Timberwolves.

This year, the Blazers had the sixth best statistical chance of winning the top pick, surely not enough for anything but a late top-10 pick. However, my excitement at this point in the draft lottery began to pique. We could do something with a top-6 pick, potentially building upon the solid core we had procured previously.

Number 6, The Milwaukee Bucks.

A top-5 pick!? Alright! It seemed fortune was smiling upon the Blazers. I was fully prepared to drop the maximum 4 spots and end up with the 10th overall pick, so exceeding statistical probability was a newfound experience for me as a fan. Of course, the top prizes of this draft were Kevin Durant, the lanky University of Texas forward who won practically every national award as a true freshman, and Greg Oden, the once-in-a-generation Ohio State University center who had had a highlight-reel high school career and, as a true freshman and with a broken right (dominant hand) wrist almost the entire season, had led the Buckeyes to the national championship game, where they eventually lost to the senior-heavy Florida Gators dynasty.

Number 5, The Boston Celtics.

A top-4 pick!! Of course, I made no qualms of getting a shot at the two titans above, but an Al Horford or Mike Conley or Jeff Green seemed like just what the doctor ordered for my team.

And the number 4 pick in the 2007 NBA draft goes to.. The Memphis Grizzlies.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A top-3 pick! We were guaranteed at least a solidly-good player! I couldn’t believe myself. I was hyperventilating. I’m sure people in the nearby apartments could hear my scream relentlessly at the radio as the commissioner stepped up to the podium to announce the number 3 overall pick. My heart skipped a beat, dropped down into my stomach, then proceeded to lead the entire city of Chicago in a rendition of Twist n’ Shout a la Ferris Bueler. I literally hopped in the back seat, curled my knees up to my chest, and waited with an anticipation I had never experienced in my life. Those few moments seemed.. like an eternity.

And the number 3 pick in the 2007 NBA draft goes to..

…

..

The Atlanta Hawks.

Stunned, I wiped my brow, blinked a few times, and looked outside the car. The world seemed so.. bright. So inviting. I couldn’t even conceptualize the good fortune bestowed upon my favorite team. We had a top-2 pick in a lottery with only 2 sure-fire prospects (according to every analyst ever). Honestly, the next few minutes were a blur of emotions. The then-Seattle Sonics won the number 2 overall pick, guaranteeing my Blazers the #1 overall pick for the first time since we had drafted Mychal Thompson back before I was born.

We did it. We had our choice of the future all-star wing player, or the seemingly once-in-a-generation big man.

I screamed, bounced around in my car (testing the physical limits of my Mazda’s cheap interior) and called every Blazers fan I knew to scream some more.

Our team, being built as a TEAM, as a model of the San Antonio Spurs (Kevin Pritchard often cited them as our rebuilding trajectory) would be able to make a franchise defining choice. Right away, all of the analysts posited that we would select Oden and construct one of the most dominant defensive teams the league had seen that decade. At the time, I couldn’t agree more with them. Durant was impressive, to be sure, but he was so damn skinny, and the prospect of having such a dominant defensive center on my team was tantalizing. I loved defense, and team basketball, and it seemed drafting Durant would take away from Roy’s importance on the perimeter, something I deemed expendable in comparison to the opportunities Oden afforded us as a franchise.

I mean, check out this video from that years NCAA tournament when, in a game against Tennessee, Oden absolutely DENIED Tennessee’s (a good team) potentially game winning shot.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a story about hope, about passion and about the feelings such an artificial construct as the NBA can evoke in a human being. For the next few months, as the Blazers blogosphere (one of the most active in all sports) constantly debated Oden vs. Durant, I was on cloud-9. It didn’t matter who we chose, what mattered is that we got to choose.

Hindsight is 20-20. As a sports fan, nothing is more painful for me than to witness Durant blossoming into one of the premier players of our generation for Oklahoma City while Oden blossomed into one of the most loyal customers of the local arthoscopic knee surgery clinic. Really and truly, the despair I know as a Blazers fan now, with Oden’s Portland career likely over after another season-long setback, and Brandon Roy’s body breaking down faster than an AA member at an open-bar, is greater than anything I’ve ever known before. My friends mock the bad fortune of my team, largely at my own expense. And you know what? That’s ok. Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want. Sometimes your team drafts Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan, then makes the same mistake all over again 2 decades later. Who knew?

But nobody can take that day away from me.