You may know Bill Plaschke and his ever-flapping jowls from his many appearances on "Around the Horn," where he and resident chalkboard eraser Woody Paige engage daily in an uncanny impression of a high-pitched dog whistle. Bill Plaschke, who, for the record, has never actually watched a sporting event in his life, has long nurtured a man-crush on Dodgers GM Ned Colletti that would make Ace and Gary from SNL blush, despite Colleti's outstandingly mediocre track record as a GM in a perpetually weak division.
However, it appears a new challenger for Plaschke's love has emerged. His name? Davey Lopes. Yes. The Davey Lopes.
See, according to Bill Plaschke, the Dodgers lack of success in 2010 wasn't due to underperforming regulars such as Manny Ramirez (eventually traded), Russell Martin, Casey Blake, or Matt Kemp, or even others that were injured, such as Rafael Furcal. It wasn't due to a bullpen, that, outside of setup man Hong-Chih Kuo, was pretty shaky.
No. The problem, you see, was a lack of grit. A lack of gravitas.
Enter Davey Lopes.
"Remember him? The tough Dodgers second baseman? The centerpiece of the legendary Dodgers infield? A celebrated coach for the Philadelphia Philliesduring their two recent trips to the World Series?"
I remember him, but not like in a "Oh Man, DAVEY FREAKIN' LOPES!" kind of way. I mean, I remember it being mentioned that he was their first base coach. I'm not sure being a first base coach ever results in someone being "celebrated." But continue.
Later Wednesday I called Ned Colletti, the Dodgers' general manager.
"Bring Davey home," I said.
"Hmmm," he said.
The jealous lover can detect something is awry.
So now the cringe is slowly leaving and the raw beginnings of distant hope are slowly returning, because I think it could happen. I'm guessing they are already talking.
For the first time in 29 years, Davey Lopes could soon be a Dodger again.
Seriously, why do I get the feeling that Plaschke required eight cold showers and four ham sandwiches to finish this article?
With the kind of bargain basement lineup they are going to throw on the field next year, maybe Lopes would not even be worth one win. But with his potential to unlock the likes ofMatt Kemp and James Loney and Andre Ethier, maybe he's worth plenty.
In other words, "Unless Davey Lopes has magical powers that make players play better, he won't be very valuable." Solid point, Bill.
He's tough like Bowa was tough, but he knows when to back off. He's smart like Schaefer was smart, but because he once played, he can relate better to younger players.
1. Obviously the Dodgers were too big of pussies to win last year. And were dumb. Big, dumb pussies.
2. Fact: many coaches and managers have had problems with players. Fact: 99.9% of those coaches and managers played baseball at the professional level.
3. Davey Lopes, in three years as a manager for the Milwaukee Brewers, managed a 144-195 record. Yeah, his teams weren't really that good. But it would seem to prove that Davey Lopes isn't Baseball Jesus either.
Lopes won a Gold Glove, but he was best known for his base stealing, with 557 stolen bases and an 83% success ratio. He took that knowledge to the Phillies, who led the major leagues in stolen base percentage during his three seasons there.
This year, the Phillies were successful on a baseball-leading 84% of their stolen base tries. The Dodgers finished 28th out of 30 teams with 65%.
Unless the Dodgers also plan on trading for high percentage base stealers such as Shane Victorino, Jimmy Rollins, and Chase Utley, I'm not really sure how Davey Lopes, aside from pinch running himself every time a Dodger batter reaches base, is going to improve this.
This also completely misses the point of what actually troubled the Dodgers this year: core players having down years at the plate or being injured, and a terrible bullpen.
Now is that time, for both Lopes and the locals who once adored him. Watching the Giants spending the winter dancing might be a little easier for Chavez Ravine folks to take knowing their backs are being covered by an old Dodger.
Last sentence = <3
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